Oh, God, I’m exhausted.
[groans]
I could fall asleep
right here.
Alright, okay. I get it.
Get what?
You don’t gotta do
the whole “I’m tired” show.
Alright. Don’t worry.
I will not be…bothering
you this evening.
Wait a minute,
you think this is an act
so I won’t have
to have sex with you?
Not much of an act.
You could jazz it up
with a song or two.
And-and by the way
I wasn’t gonna do anything
later anyway, okay, so..
You don’t got to insult me
with your preemptive strike.
– You’re nuts.
– Admit it.
You came in here
to tell me you were tired
so-so I would
leave you alone later.
– I did not!
– Why can’t you admit it?
Look, you’re tired, right?
You had a long day.
So what’s the last thing
you would wanna do later?
Well, you might
be right about that.
Huh. See? I know.
I know when people
don’t wanna have sex with me.
You’re talkin’ to an expert.
Okay, so let me ask you this..
How come you’re only picking up
that “I’m tired”
means “no sex tonight”?
How come “I’m tired”
doesn’t also mean
“Gee, I could really use
some help in the kitchen
with all those dishes”?
What am I, a mind reader?
(male announcer)
Another season of
“Everybody Loves Raymond.”
[grunting]
[triumphant instrumental music]
[laughter]
Hey.
Hi.
How’s your book?
It’s really great.
Yeah?
Yeah, it takes place in the
19th century as this family–
That’s very interesting.
Ray! What are you doing?
What? You’re up.
So what?
So I-I come in here, you’re up,
you’re in a good mood.
You’re not too tired.
Who says I’m not too tired?
All I’m doing is reading.
So you can stay up to read,
but you can’t spare
two minutes for sex?
Look, I’m sorry, Ray, okay?
It’s not like
I’m trying to trick you.
I am tired and I thought
I would do a little reading
before I fell asleep.
Alright.
There are other things
we could do a little
before we both fall asleep,
I mean..
…we’re not talkin’ about
runnin’ a marathon here.
We’re just gonna roll around
a little, you know?
I, I find it very relaxing
and restful
but what the hell do I know?
[sighs]
You go ahead, go ahead–
Ray, come on.
Book about the 19th century
doesn’t put you to sleep
how tired can you be?
So what you-you’re saying is
that you would rather read?
Tonight, yes.
Do me a favor, if there’s
people having sex in that book
could you read out loud?
[instrumental music]
Here, one of you try this.
Oh, God!
Oh, this is awful!
I thought so. It’s Debra’s.
It’s gone bad.
Although, with Debra, it
probably didn’t have far to go.
Wait a minute.
Let me see that.
You’re right. This is not good.
The under part’s
a little better.
What is it?
I don’t know.
It’s got a crunch, but I don’t
think that’s on purpose.
[door closes]
Oh, hello, Raymond.
Ma, what are you doing?
I’m cleaning your fridge.
I thought it was just one item
but once I opened it..
Well, dear, it’s not good news.
Ma, you-you probably
shouldn’t be doing this.
Oh. Alright, do it to that.
Just hurry up
before she gets back.
What else you got?
You finished that?
Yep.
And now we wait.
What did you buy, Raymond?
Oh, uh, no, it’s nothing.
Oh, something sensitive.
What is it?
No, it’s just shirts.
You bought shirts? By yourself?
Yes.
Let’s see these…shirts.
I…would not be comfortable
with that, alright?
Why the hell not?
Because, they’re..
…undershirts.
Are you trying
to hide something?
Mind your business, ma. Alright?
“Sensuopoly.”
“The board game
of love and intimacy.”
It’s just, it’s a gag gift that
I got for a friend of mine
who…loves gags.
Oh, really?
And who is this “lover of gags”?
Would his name start with an “R”
and end with an “aymond,” hmm?
Give me the game.
I’ve heard of these games.
They’re for adults only.
Oh, my God.
Gonna spice things up, eh, racy?
– Alright, dad, no. It’s just–
– Oh, Raymond.
– Another sex game?
– What are you talking about?
Well, it’s like the other one
you had when you were younger.
With all the colored dots.
Twister?
Don’t think I didn’t know
what was going on downstairs.
What? I played with Robert.
I don’t wanna hear any more.
This game must be Debra’s doing.
Well, it’s not.
I should have guessed
when I opened the fridge
with two bottles of white wine?
Are you swingers?
Alright, mom.
You just asked
if I was a wife-swapper.
Now, there’s an idea.
I don’t even have to swap.
I’ll just make a donation.
I sure hope you’re better at
this than you were at Twister.
As I remember, you had no
flexibility at all.
Poor Debra.
No, you should close
your curtains too.
You never know who’s
looking into the windows.
I got a pretty good idea.
– Hey.
– ‘What’s up?’
– Mom!
Whatever you do in your
bedroom is your business.
“Sensuopoly?”
It’s not from me. It’s from him.
Ray, what is going on?
I’ll tell you what’s going on.
For once I’d like to bring
a game into this house
without being accused
of having sex with my brother.
Listen, sweetheart..
…everybody’s making
a big fuss over nothing.
Now, I looked
at the back of the box
and from what I could see..
To be continued.
Okay, kids are down.
Yeah. Listen.
Sorry about…the
embarrassment today
with the game and all.
You know, I just,
I went to the store to try
to buy you a funny card.
You know, ’cause of last night.
But they’re not funny.
They’re just stupid.
There’s, they got
this one funny one.
The guy, the old guy
with no teeth.
[muffled]
Like this.
But, yeah, I-I couldn’t remember
if I got you that
for Valentine’s day or not so..
You know, so I just, I got you
that game just to say..
…you know, “ha ha.”
It’s okay, Ray.
Come on, let’s go play.
What?
What?!
You really wanna play this?
Even though my mother
knows we have it?
We’ve already got the guilt.
We might as well have the fun.
– Hmm?
– Well, alriiight!
Okay. Here’s the directions.
I’ve already read them.
Hey, I don’t need directions.
I mean, it’s been a while,
but I remember.
Okay, so it’s pretty simple.
You just roll the dice
and you do whatever it says
on the square you land on.
– Okay.
– Alright?
Now, some of the squares
are naughty..
Hang on.
Go ahead.
And some are romantic.
– Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Okay?
Okay, so I’ll go first.
This is me. That’s you.
Alright, come on, buddy, put
your game face on. Ooh, ooh..
Alright, alright,
alright, alright!
Stop, stop, stop. Okay, ready?
– Ooh, lucky number seven.
– Okay.
One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven.
“Kiss your lover as though
they are about to
climb Mount Everest.”
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Ray! Ray, Ray, stop it!
Ray!
– It’s your turn.
– I love this game.
Ray, come on! Ray!
– You’ve got to roll!
– Hey, I’m climbing Everest.
– I could be dead tomorrow.
– Listen, Ray!
– I’m going away!
– Would you roll the dice?
Alright, alright,
alright, alright.
Okay.
Three. One, two, three.
“Tell your lover something
about you they do not know.”
– I’m back from Everest!
– Ray! Ray, come on.
Would you…stop it!
Would you stop?
You’re supposed to share
something with me.
– I’m trying to!
– Come on.
Well..
Where are the fun squares?
[huffs]
The blue squares are naughty.
The pink squares are romantic.
– Pink.
– Alright, come on.
Tell me something
I don’t know about you.
Alright.
Something you don’t know.
Okay.
Well…uh, this afternoon
when I was trying
to get you something..
Yeah?
I stopped and got a chili dog.
– Just give me the dice.
– Wait, come on.
There’s nothing but pink
squares. Hold on, where’s blue?
Right here’s blue.
The first blue one.
“Without using your hand,
remove a piece
of your lover’s clothing.”
Oh, yeah.
[gnawing]
Hold on, hold on,
what do I need?
I need a one, two,
three, four, five.
Okay, five’s what I’m talking
about. Come on, five, baby.
If we get a three, we get
to write each other a poem.
Oh, God! Please, no.
Please, five!
Come on, five! Five!
Fever in the cathouse,
the doctor ain’t home.
– Ha! Nine.
– Alright, I’ll move it for you.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine!
– A blue one!
– No, no.
– You counted that square twice.
– No, I didn’t.
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.
I don’t think you’re getting
into the spirit
of the game here.
Let me read the square.
“Without talking,
stare into your lover’s eyes
for three minutes.”
What, are you kidding me?
Three minutes.
– What?
– Okay.
Do you know how long
three minutes is?
It’s long. Ask an egg.
Do it.
Alright, let me set my thing.
Okay.
Ready, go.
Put it down!
I don’t think we’re getting
what’s intended here
’cause you’re startin’
to look like the devil.
– Alright. You know, forget it.
– No, no!
It’s just that my eyes are
blurry, that’s all! Come on.
I-I didn’t say
it’s not romantic.
Right, the devil’s hot.
Why can’t you look into my eyes?
– Because they’re too beautiful.
– Oh!
Look, look, the game’s obviously
rigged, alright?
There’s twice as many
pink romantic squares
as naughty blue ones.
Why did you buy the game, Ray,
huh?
That’s what I really
don’t understand.
Why did you buy it if you didn’t
wanna play?
I thought it would be fun.
It’s got something
for both of us.
Sex for me, reading for you.
You really have no idea
what this game is for, do you?
Yes, I have an idea. The game is
to get you in the mood.
Remember the mood?
No, this game
is not about my mood.
This game is supposed
to improve our sex life.
Yeah, well,
then I got the wrong game.
I should’ve get the
game that gets you to have
a sex life.
Oh, yes, you’re the poor
sex-starved husband.
Yeah, and you’re
the poor put-upon wife
who doesn’t get any romance.
No, I’m not talking
about romance though.
I wanted to play this game
for other things too.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
I don’t hold your hand enough.
Watch you sleep, listen to your
heartbeat.
– Muh, muh, muh..
– Ugh.
Well and let me
tell you something.
What you-what you call romance
it’s always changing.
Sometimes it’s that you want
flowers and then other times
other times, it
how about the time
you got excited
’cause I brought home
a bucket of chicken?
Why? What is romance?
Tell me what it is.
I’ll do it every time.
Listen, Ray, I’m not talking
about you and the romance.
I’m talking about you
and…the blue squares.
What? The blue squares?
The blue ones are the sex ones!
What? What are you saying?
What?
Oh.
The blue squares.
Is it all right
if we talk about it?
[whispers]
Go ahead.
Alright.
Well..
First of all, I love you.
[groans]
But when we are..
…making love..
[groans]
Ray, just look at me.
No.
I’m your wife.
You should be able to
talk to me about this. Come on.
Your wife is the last person you
want to hear these things from.
Who would you rather
hear it from?
Somebody who doesn’t
have any proof.
Look, this isn’t easy for me
to talk about either.
– How bad is this?
– No, it’s not bad.
And it’s not just you.
Who else?
Me!
Ray, it’s about us.
So, listen. Just listen.
I-I need..
…more..
…variety.
Variety?
You need variety?
I…oh, I got that.
I, oh, I was worried that you
were gonna mention my
well, why bring it up?
But, uh, but variety?
I am variety. I’m Ed Sullivan.
Variety. Wasn’t I the guy who
came into the bedroom
with the cowboy hat on, huh?
How about the time I was the
fireman and you were
the burning sorority house?
Well, I mean,
by variety, I mean..
Look, the cowboy
and the fireman are fun.
But once they take
their hats off
they’re pretty much the same.
What…what do you mean?
I need them to be..
less…selfish.
Now, hold on.
Hold on. I am not selfish!
I am not selfish!
If there’s anything
you want, anything, I do it!
You want me to be more flexible?
I’m flexing!
Huh? You-you-you want me to talk
in an accent?
“You go’ it, guv’ner.” huh?
Come on, just tell me what you
want. What do you want?
– I want..
– What?
See, this is
what I’m talking about.
Why should I have to
tell you what I want?
So I will know.
Well, do you know
how depressing that is
that after 12 years,
you don’t know?
Why do I have
to say it out loud?
Wh-why haven’t you
been paying attention?
What do you mean
“paying attention”?
Well, I mean, you only
seem to pick up the signals
that affect you.
Like, you know
what “I’m tired” means
because it means
no fun for Raymond.
But if I give you
the “go” signal
then you just stop
paying attention.
I could shoot off
a flare in here
and you wouldn’t even notice.
Sorry.
I didn’t know that.
– Can I ask you something?
– Sure.
After 12 years,
I should know you, right?
That’s all I’m saying.
After 12 years,
shouldn’t you know me?
I mean, you could have realized
that I wasn’t getting
your signals after…year three.
I mean…I mean you had to know
that you were married to a guy
who occasionally
might miss a thing or two
and-and maybe you might
have to…speak up.
– I don’t wanna speak up.
– Why not?
It’s embarrassing.
Not as embarrassing as finding
out you’ve been doing it wrong
for 12 years.
Yeah. I..
You’re right. I’m sorry.
Okay, I’ll try to speak up more.
– Okay, good.
– Yeah.
That’s good.
So you wanna start
speakin’ up?
Okay. But you’ll try to be
a little more aware, right?
Yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, and I don’t mean
just in the bedroom.
No, no, no, no!
And if you see the
laundry lying around
or the bills are piling up
or the garbage–
Maybe we should start with the
sex and then see how far we get.
Ray, you know what
I’m talkin’ about, right?
I do. I hear you.
– You’re right.
– Okay. Thank you, honey.
So are you gonna
tell me what you want?
I’ll give it a try.
What would you like?
I’d like you to help me
with the laundry.
Whew!
– Oh, yeah.
– Wow!
[chuckles]
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I’m gonna write
those Sensuopoly people
and tell them we made
up a new square.
Yeah.
While you’re at it, tell them
that square six doesn’t work.
[chuckles]
(Ray)
Unless you bring in
a third person.
[theme music]
