“So the lion got some cream for his chicken pox.”
How many more before Michael?
Shh!
Forty minutes already!
Quiet!
“And his mommy
put the cream on
and he felt better.”
The end.
[applause]
Thank you, Gracie.
That was a wonderful
and very imaginative story.
And now we have Ian.
Oh, crap.
“Escape from the Blue Planet.”
Finally, science fiction.
“The rocket ship landed
on the blue planet
that was filled with water.”
You don’t think
this is nice?
You know, they wrote these
all by themselves.
No kidding.
“And the rocket got stuck
but the pilot
had some extra gas.”
He’s not the only one.
“So that is how
they were able to escape
from the blue planet.”
The end.
Wonderful, Ian,
and very exciting.
Michael? It’s your turn.
Thank God.
We go after this.
“The Angry Family.”
“The daddy was mad
at the mommy.
The mommy was mad
at the daddy.”
[laughing]
“The mommy and daddy
were very mad at the grandpa.
The grandma got mad
at everybody.”
I did not!
[giggles]
It’s wonderful.
“The grownups
were always very loud.
It hurt the kids’ ears.”
The end.
[applause]
Let’s watch TV!
Yeah!
Yay!
‘Let’s watch TV!’
‘Whoo!’
Well, I can’t go there anymore.
The looks I was getting
I’ve never gotten looks
like that in my life.
You oughta watch me more.
How could you let Michael
write something like that?
We didn’t know anything
about this.
Eileen let the kids write
whatever they wanted.
Who’s Eileen?
The teacher.
Look, I’m not thrilled about
this, either, but, you know
kids should be able to
express what they’re feeling.
What a load of bull.
Here’s a perfect example
of your liberal
“free to be a bird or bee”
college claptrap
comin’ home to bite
your whole family in the ass!
Oh?
The whole family?
The whole family?
What am I?
I wasn’t even mentioned
in that book.
What, you’re insulted
’cause you weren’t insulted?
I’m insulted that you have
brainwashed your children
into thinking
the only thing I’m good for
is to hold up a pinata.
And I don’t look like that.
What?
The kid’s illustrations.
People are gonna think
I look like that.
(Debra)
‘Okay, everyone’
could we all please
just go home?
Debra’s right.
We gotta talk to Michael.
You gonna punish him?
I want input.
Alright, come on, come on.
Nobody’s punishing anyone.
Of course not.
God forbid someone’s
feelings should get hurt.
Well, my feelings are hurt.
Mine, too!
Nobody cares!
I’m writing my own book.
Get out.
That’s the title.
Michael!
Hey, what, whoa, whoa.
What are you gonna do?
I wanna talk to him.
Michael, could you
come in here, please?
Be careful what you say.
Don’t worry.
He writes it down.
Sweetie, I just want
to ask you something.
Do you think that your family
is “The Angry Family?”
It’s okay, honey,
you can tell us.
Ray, you wanna–
Nope.
[sighs]
I loved your story, Michael.
Said daddy.
Go on, watch TV.
What is wrong with you?
What?
Hey, if you were
on top of stuff
you coulda stopped
the story from leakin’ out.
I am on top of stuff!
What do you do, huh?
Look, those stories
were supposed to be a surprise
for the parents.
A surprise for the parents?
I think the surprise is
you get to the school
and there’s an open bar.
No, this was like an ambush.
And you can’t even see what the
real problem is here, can you?
There’s an image
that Michael has of us.
Come on. We’re normal.
Comparatively normal.
Watch the news.
Please.
Although I will say
there are times when you seem
to yell for no reason, you know?
Maybe, maybe that’s what
he’s pickin’ up on.
I’m pretty sure that most of the
leading characters in that story
were from the Barone side.
Yeah, okay, but the loud part,
I’m thinkin’, is probably you.
So you’re blaming me?
You’re completely free
and clear.
I’m sorry,
but I am not the yeller.
You are the reason
for the yeller!
Well, you assume
that there must be yelling!
You’re damn right
there’s yell–
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey!
What, honey?
Can I have a juice?
Sure, sweetie. Yeah.
Yeah. Sure.
We can do that,
right, mommy?
Oh, thank you, daddy.
Thank you.
We have problems.
It’s alright. Alright?
No, it is not alright.
This argument just now
is exactly what Michael
was referring to.
Well, you don’t gotta
worry about this one
because that was Geoffrey.
[telephone rings]
Phone.
Hello?
Oh. Hi, Eileen.
Yeah, hi.
Ahem, how are ya?
Yeah. Oh, no, that was
a great open house. Yeah.
Dynamite.
What conference?
[gasps]
Oh! Oh.
That’s this week, too.
Yeah, right.
With the parents.
Uh-huh. Yeah. I guess we
must’ve forgot about it. Yeah.
Wasn’t like we were trying
to run out or anything.
Yeah, yeah, no, ’cause, uh,
we wanna talk to you.
We love you.
Alright, okay.
Yeah, sure,
we’ll see you tomorrow. Okay.
Bye-bye.
[both sigh]
Listen, about tomorrow, you
know, I got a pretty big day–
You don’t want
to finish that.
A-alright. Okay.
And did you have to sound
so guilty on the phone?
How about you? You ran
away like a little girl.
[instrumental music]
Okay..
So, how are you?
Terrific.
[laughs nervously]
So…that was so,
so funny yesterday.
What was?
Michael’s book.
“Angry Family.”
[laughing nervously]
I don’t know where he..
Anyway, um, it’s great
to be here.
Happy to discuss everything.
I was really impressed
with what Michael
wrote about in his book,
weren’t you?
Me? Uh, definitely.
Oh, definitely.
Um, but I do think
that his book was..
…just a story.
And, yes
obviously all stories
do come from somewhere.
Well, not all of ’em.
Hmm?
I was just thinking
something..
I was just thinking
some stories come from..
…like-like those shows
you go to
where they say,
“Give us a location!”
And then the audience goes,
“An elevator!”
You know, and then,
and they say
“What language should we do?”
or something.
And you yell, “French!”
You know, and then they do
a hilarious thing, right there.
You know?
“Second floor, croissants!”
You know? Yeah.
They just, they make that stuff
up, right there on the spot.
Yeah.
So that would be
one example
of where some stories
do come from.
Is-is that what Michael did?
Probably not.
Please stop.
I’m just, I’m talking to Eileen.
Uh, Eileen, um
did Michael
say anything to you?
I mean, did he say anything
specific about home?
And remember, children lie.
[chuckles]
Ray. We have
nothing to hide.
I don’t know what
he’s so afraid of.
I mean, ’cause we’re
a normal family.
Comparatively.
I mean, watch the news.
[laughs]
That was mine,
the normal thing.
She stole that from me.
It is not your thing!
We are normal!
You know,
we do have counselors.
Father Hubley is very good.
No, no. That’s the last
thing that we need.
Why do you say that?
Because then everybody’s
talkin’ about it–
Uch, what are you..
Why do you have to be
so close-minded?
You see,
this is the attitude.
I’m not close-minded.
Uch, what are you doing
right now?
This is who you are. Why can’t
you just talk about things, huh?
Talk!
You know, I have to say
that you’re actually exhibiting
some of the very traits
that seem to jump off the page
in Michael’s book.
Who?
Oh.
[stammers]
You.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
First of all,
it’s not a book.
It’s pieces of
construction paper.
You sound a bit close-minded.
Hey.
Eileen..
…you have no idea
what I have to put up with.
When I got married,
I didn’t just get a husband
I got a whole freak show
that set up their tent
right across the street.
And that-that
would be fine
if they stayed there.
But every day, every day
they dump a truckload
of their insane family dreck
into my lap.
How would you
like to sit through
two people in their 60s
fighting over
who invented the lawn?
The lawn!
And then the brother.
[imitating Robert]
“I live in an apartment.
I don’t even have a lawn.
Raymond has a lawn.”
But you can’t blame him
when you see who the mother is.
She has this kind of sick hold
on the both of them.
And the father’s about
as disgusting a creature
as God has ever dropped
on this planet.
So no wonder the kid
writes stories!
I should be writing stories.
My life is a Gothic novel
and until you have
lived in that house
with all of them in there
with you day after day
week after week,
year after friggin’ year
you are in no position
to judge me!
Where are you in here, Robert?
Exactly.
I’ll tell you
what concerns me.
I wanna know why I was drawn
completely without hair.
That is an exaggeration
which I do not appreciate.
Alright, now, alright,
there’s no need for tension.
We all have enough tension.
Believe me, this job
pounds the life out of you.
Eileen, maybe you’d
like to start with–
No, thank you.
What?
Listen, Eileen, again
I’m so sorry about getting a
little testy with you yesterday.
That’s really not like me.
Yeah, yeah, fine, fine.
Adam, Adam is
the school’s counselor
and we thought we’d like to
have this little talk today
to see if maybe
we can help you people.
Okay?
Go on, Adam.
Sure. Ha.
Hi, everyone.
I’m Adam Burke, and I am
the school’s counselor
but I like to think of myself
more as a facilitator.
Oh, jeez.
So, here’s a question.
Do any of you ever feel
that the “anger”
gets out of control?
No.
No, I really don’t.
Yes.
What?
Yes, I do feel
that the anger
sometimes gets
out of control.
I feel it whenever
I come into the house.
There is a solution.
I don’t understand.
I am there in a loving,
nurturing capacity
as is my wont.
Well, then, maybe we
should ask ourselves
“Where could the anger
in this family be coming from?”
No, alright.
I am not gonna..
No, I do not want to sit here!
No, no, no.
Stop, stop.
I’m fine. My apologies.
Ray, you know what?
I don’t think people need to
hear my side of things again.
Maybe you could
say something objective.
Okay.
Uh, all I know is..
Debra’s good.
She’s really, really good.
You know, she’s got
a lot of stuff to do, and..
…that’s why
if she’s all..
That’s why.
[clears throat]
Uh, if I may..
You mentioned,
Father Hubley
that I was not
included in that book
and that is a very
astute observation.
And I do believe
that my unique position
in this…family
as that of an outsider
allows me to view
this hodgepodge of life
from a rather unique
vantage point.
Top of a beanstalk?
And I do maintain that if,
if anyone is to blame, father
for this river of
pent-up hostility
that runs
through this sorry bunch
like you-know-what
through a we-know-what..
…that person goes by
the name…of Raymond.
Oh, sit down, you dope.
He is and always
has been the center.
The center of attention
the center of affection
he always gets the center chair
in the kitchen.
And this anger
of which you speak
from the rest of
these poor souls
stems from his
unwillingness to share
even the tiniest portion
of the spotlight
that shines,
without end…on him.
Aah! What are you doing?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
“Center chair.”
It’s my kitchen.
Get your own kitchen.
There you go,
there you go, you see
because I only have a
kitchenette, and he loves it!
Right, “rub it in” Raymond?
No house for me.
No wife, no kids,
no lawn, no nothin’!
(Frank)
‘Hey, father,
let me ask you somethin’.’
Would you know
who invented the lawn?
Ohh!
Would you stop?
No one “invented” it,
it’s grass!
Oh, yeah?
So cavemen had lawns?
Yes. They were called
“fields,” you baboon!
You wanna know
where all the tension
in the family comes from?
I’m chained to it.
‘Here she is.’
And if you’re lookin’ to find
out why she’s like this
I’m givin’ it to you,
for once and for all.
You ready?
There! Right there!
She married him!
And this one still
can’t deal with it!
How dare you.
It-it-it’s alright, Mrs.–
You hold on.
You think Michael’s book
is my fault, don’t ya?
Don’t ya? Huh?
If there’s ever a problem
in the family, it’s the mother.
It’s always the mother.
Well, you all ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.
And you, you-you allow that,
Father Hubley?
Shame on you.
That’s right.
You had a mother.
And you allow
all this to happen
in your school,
in your parish.
This “new psychology”
that children
are always right
that they’re being rewarded
for every little thing they do
with the stickers.
I mean, these kids are comin’
home full of stickers
for doing nothing!
“Ooh. I went
to the potty.”
“Here’s a sticker.”
In my day, you had
to earn a reward
and even then,
you didn’t get it.
And if there was yelling in the
house, you earned that, too.
There was nothing
to be ashamed of.
I want to tell you
something.
There is nothing wrong
with this family.
We’re very close,
we’re very open
we’re very loving,
’cause I make sure of it.
But everybody
has to make a big deal.
You have to have a meeting,
you have to have an inquiry
you have to have
a witch-hunt.
I think they found one.
Well..
…thank you, everybody..
…for a lovely morning.
Believe it or not
I do understand
the pressures and tensions
of raising a family
in today’s world.
But I think this particular
family compounds the problem
by maybe being a bit too close
to each other constantly
like ping-pong balls pounding
and hitting off each other
in the lottery machine.
Except…nobody wins
in this one
least of all, the children
which is what I got
from this book.
So it’s not about you..
…or you, or you..
…or you,
or even Raymond, today.
It’s about this little guy..
…and this sweet,
simple way of maybe
giving you a message.
[Marie sniffles]
[Marie softly crying]
Now…we have
these parenting books
that you might want
to take a look at–
I’ll try one.
Oh, I’ll take one.
[indistinct chatter]
(Raymond)
We’ll take ’em all,
we’ll take ’em all.
Give me one.
They’re not all for you.
(Raymond)
Relax, dad.
You’re gonna get one!
Hey!
Come here, you.
Come here.
[grunts]
What’d you do,
go to the bathroom?
Yeah. Your light’s on.
Yeah, that’s ’cause
we’re readin’.
We’re readin’
a coupla books here.
Give me that head.
Give me that. Mm-mm!
Hey, it’s time
for bed, dude.
Okay?
Come on.
See ya tomorrow, okay?
See you in the morning,
honey.
Hey, listen, Michael
we really loved
your story you wrote
and we learned a lot from it.
I like that cartoon.
What cartoon?
“Monster Maniacs.”
They’re really funny.
They’re always yelling.
[upbeat music on TV]
(man on TV)
…with a win
over the Angels.
Last night’s one-nothing
squeaker gave the Royals
a one-nothing lead
in the three-game series.
